Hot and Unbothered by Yana Tallon-Hicks

Author:Yana Tallon-Hicks
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2022-06-23T00:00:00+00:00

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I Don’t Want to Be a Creep

10 Tips to Asking for What You Want from Sex without the Ick Factor

“How do I ask for what I want out of sex, dating, and relationships without coming off like a total creep?” This is an oft-cited concern I hear from both clients and friends when they’re thinking about asking someone out, bringing up a new desire with an established partner, or introducing a new partner to their turn-ons.

While it’s great to strive to not be sexually creepy, usually the people voicing these worries: a) aren’t typically creeps by very nature of the fact that they’re thinking actively about how they’re coming off to other people when talking about sex, and b) seem to mistakenly think that voicing their desires = guaranteed “creepiness,” which is certainly not an absolute or accurate equation.

As both a sex-advice professional and a longtime recipient of both creepy and not creepy conversations about desire and sex, here are some lines to draw when wondering to yourself, “Am I being creepy?”

First, a reminder: it’s okay to have desires. Having and verbalizing your desires does not inherently make you creepy. How you state your desires, on the other hand, might.

Creepy is unaware and imposing. What often feels creepy about a sexual ask or share is the sense that something is being left unsaid or unchecked. If you want to talk about your desire, do it. Don’t obscure portions of what you want to do, or otherwise manipulate your language to mislead your sexual partner. Though the phrase “Netflix and chill” isn’t necessarily creepy (depending on who says it, what their relationship is to you, and how), it is a great example of a sexual ask that aims to obscure what the actual ask is.

Resist the creep by knowing and sharing your intentions, wants, limitations, and boundaries. When talking about your desires, do so in a well-rounded way. What do you want to do? How do you want to do it? What are your concerns or limits? Showing that you’ve put active thought into what you want and voicing any personal hesitations (this is especially true for kinks) demonstrates that you are a trustworthy and thoughtful human being, not just someone belligerently looking to get what they want.

Know yourself and own it. Do your own work to explore your desires and unpack any shame you hold on your side of things so that it doesn’t (creepily) leak onto others or seep into the interaction. If you’re holding on to sexuality-based self-loathing, inner criticism, or disgust, it’ll likely show up in your sexual interactions, whether you intend it to or not. Though I’m not saying you have to be 100 percent shame-free in order to avoid creep status, if you’re completely unaware of your own hang-ups, this unacknowledged part of you can come out as undesirable behaviors like shaming the other person, aggressive come-ons, detachment from yourself, or other actions that definitely have an ick factor, especially in a sexual context.

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